This is a second found treasure that takes a playful stab at my high school English teacher, Mr. Yates.[1] It didn't start out that way, though. At first it was just an exercise in mocking some of the unusual plurals that exist in the English language [2]—though sometimes the fake singulars/plurals I came up with weren't particularly clever themselves. I brought it all back in in the last paragraph, but then it got away from me and ended on a rather abrupt digression from the previously established pattern. It's fun but not important enough to fix up.
Many people dislike even the thought of having lice (singular: louse). Anyone “infected” with lice (singular: louse) experiences itching, goo under their fingernails—from raking their fingers through their hair and picking up foreign articles in the process—and embarrassment. Countless hordes (the singular of this word cannot be printed in a family-oriented essay) of children in elementary schools are accused of having cooties (singular: kite)[3], the common name for lice (singular: louse).
However, most people misunderstand lice (singular: louse) or are ignorant of their benefits (singular: bona fide). The natural response to the side effect of itching is to scratch. By scratching, dry, dead skin cells are removed from your scalp and build up under your fingernail along with a few unfortunate lice (singular: louse)—goo. Otherwise the host would bear the shame of dandruff and every time they stood under a black light, everyone would see the dander glowing on their shoulders.
It can be argued that it is more embarrassing to have a squirming mass of maggots on your head and something similar to mayonnaise under your fingernails. This is a horrible misconception. Dandruff is similar to dead leaves (singular: life) on a forest floor: rot and decay abound. Lice (singular: louse), however, maintain a functioning ecosystem on your scalp. By eating your dead skin cells they prevent rot and decay within the forest of your hair.
The people in the armed services (singular: sorcery) of our United States understand this tragedy. Instead of killing the lice (singular: louse) unfeelingly, they shave the recruits’ heads. This relieves the host from any obligation to the lice (singular: louse) while allowing the parasites (singular: parachute) to stay alive. An extra bona fide (plural: benefits) of this compromise is that when the dismembered hair is swept up and put in a black Hefty-Hefty Cinch Sack, the lice (singular: louse) are treated to a variety of different hair samples. They learn to share and small societies (singular: sock) develop around the best flavors of hair. Love abounds and Utopia becomes a reality. Thus, the lice (singular: louse) are the first species (singular: spice—not spouse) to achieve a pure, successful communist sock (plural: society).
Another heinous crime inflicted upon these helpless creatures (singular: Kryptonite) is the use of hairstyling gels and sprays and special shampoos and conditioners. Pantene with Pro-Vitamins strengthens your hair and denies the lice (singular: louse) their staple food source. Hair gel leaves a hard coating on your hair causing it hair to become rigid. At the same time it coats the lice (singular: louse), rendering them immobile. Unable to scavenge for the scarce vitamin-deficient follicles, they die. Hairspray, also used to anchor hair in a certain position, gets in their little eyes, and makes them sneeze. This is an outrage.
By killing lice (singular: louse) off with shampoo or gasoline (author shudders convulsively) you are destroying a world, ruining a biosphere, causing an extinction. Our school system is attempting to wipe out an entire population, an entire species (singular: spice). Ethnic cleansing of this magnitude cannot be allowed.
We often forget that lice (singular: louse) are people, too. They have special needs (singular: nit—also the word used to designate lice (singular: louse) eggs) and concerns and it does not help that we are trying to eliminate them. Instead of committing genocide on the surface of your head, try to understand things from their point of view. Empathy and sympathy are imperative in our symbiotic relationship. Our sock (plural: societies) needs to protect this parachute (plural: parasites). The greatest sorcery (plural: services) we can perform for these creatures (singular: Kryptonite) is to save every kite (plural: cooties) and louse (plural: Yates [4]) and give them a home (i.e., a head of hair).
Notes:
[1] For the other, see here.
[2] e.g., "lice" as the plural of "louse", the subject of the essay. This is actually due to a Germanic linguistic phenomenon, called ablaut. To learn more about ablauts in verb conjugation, see my post Strong Verbs and Weak Verbs.
[3] In retrospect, I wish I'd made "coot" (as in, "old coot") the singular of "cooties".
[4] The only reason I've changed the plural at this point is so that I can make fun of his balding pate here at the end.
Image attributions:
Lice is by the Otis Historical Archives National Museum of Health & Medicine, available at http://www.flickr.com/photos/medicalmuseum/3508205775/.
Singular: Louse
However, most people misunderstand lice (singular: louse) or are ignorant of their benefits (singular: bona fide). The natural response to the side effect of itching is to scratch. By scratching, dry, dead skin cells are removed from your scalp and build up under your fingernail along with a few unfortunate lice (singular: louse)—goo. Otherwise the host would bear the shame of dandruff and every time they stood under a black light, everyone would see the dander glowing on their shoulders.
It can be argued that it is more embarrassing to have a squirming mass of maggots on your head and something similar to mayonnaise under your fingernails. This is a horrible misconception. Dandruff is similar to dead leaves (singular: life) on a forest floor: rot and decay abound. Lice (singular: louse), however, maintain a functioning ecosystem on your scalp. By eating your dead skin cells they prevent rot and decay within the forest of your hair.
The people in the armed services (singular: sorcery) of our United States understand this tragedy. Instead of killing the lice (singular: louse) unfeelingly, they shave the recruits’ heads. This relieves the host from any obligation to the lice (singular: louse) while allowing the parasites (singular: parachute) to stay alive. An extra bona fide (plural: benefits) of this compromise is that when the dismembered hair is swept up and put in a black Hefty-Hefty Cinch Sack, the lice (singular: louse) are treated to a variety of different hair samples. They learn to share and small societies (singular: sock) develop around the best flavors of hair. Love abounds and Utopia becomes a reality. Thus, the lice (singular: louse) are the first species (singular: spice—not spouse) to achieve a pure, successful communist sock (plural: society).
Another heinous crime inflicted upon these helpless creatures (singular: Kryptonite) is the use of hairstyling gels and sprays and special shampoos and conditioners. Pantene with Pro-Vitamins strengthens your hair and denies the lice (singular: louse) their staple food source. Hair gel leaves a hard coating on your hair causing it hair to become rigid. At the same time it coats the lice (singular: louse), rendering them immobile. Unable to scavenge for the scarce vitamin-deficient follicles, they die. Hairspray, also used to anchor hair in a certain position, gets in their little eyes, and makes them sneeze. This is an outrage.
By killing lice (singular: louse) off with shampoo or gasoline (author shudders convulsively) you are destroying a world, ruining a biosphere, causing an extinction. Our school system is attempting to wipe out an entire population, an entire species (singular: spice). Ethnic cleansing of this magnitude cannot be allowed.
We often forget that lice (singular: louse) are people, too. They have special needs (singular: nit—also the word used to designate lice (singular: louse) eggs) and concerns and it does not help that we are trying to eliminate them. Instead of committing genocide on the surface of your head, try to understand things from their point of view. Empathy and sympathy are imperative in our symbiotic relationship. Our sock (plural: societies) needs to protect this parachute (plural: parasites). The greatest sorcery (plural: services) we can perform for these creatures (singular: Kryptonite) is to save every kite (plural: cooties) and louse (plural: Yates [4]) and give them a home (i.e., a head of hair).
Notes:
[1] For the other, see here.
[2] e.g., "lice" as the plural of "louse", the subject of the essay. This is actually due to a Germanic linguistic phenomenon, called ablaut. To learn more about ablauts in verb conjugation, see my post Strong Verbs and Weak Verbs.
[3] In retrospect, I wish I'd made "coot" (as in, "old coot") the singular of "cooties".
[4] The only reason I've changed the plural at this point is so that I can make fun of his balding pate here at the end.
Image attributions:
Lice is by the Otis Historical Archives National Museum of Health & Medicine, available at http://www.flickr.com/photos/medicalmuseum/3508205775/.
With kids out of school, do you suppose we could possibly eradicate lice (singular:louse)? It's a nice thought. Two weeks is ample time to do it, no?
ReplyDeleteOnly if children practice proper 'social distancing'. And if people who are currently carriers are cured before they re-enter society.
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