Monday, March 19, 2012

Found Treasures VI: Delivery

Last summer I posted several items that I re-discovered on old floppy disks.[1] I had more things to share, but I was interrupted by Lillian's premature arrival and subsequent stay in the NICU.[2] This story is a friendly jab at one of my English teachers from high school, Mr. Yates. By this time I had toilet-papered his house.[3] He retaliated by having an "anonymous" pot of flowers delivered to the classroom for me. It was accompanied by an ill-composed, sappy note which Mr. Yates proceeded to read aloud to the class, hoping it would embarrass me. (It didn't really.) I wrote this story to let him know I saw through his ruse.

David leaned back in his La-Z-Boy. He carefully removed his teeth and put them in his pocket, where he kept an extra Alka-Seltzer tablet. This completed, the old man [4] removed his rug to air out his scalp. Comfort washing over him in waves, David stretched his tired bones and joints—and his skin became taut.

Overcome with tired pleasure the man drifted into a light sleep. Visions of sugar beets danced in his head. Bright colors and attractive images swam through David’s sleepy vision and his eyelids slowly sank to their horizons. The strength seeping from his body, his neck relaxed and his head rolled back onto the chair. David liked what he saw.

A goofy smile [5] crossed David’s face; a wide, open-mouthed, ecstatic grin. Unfortunately, without any teeth in the way, the dream-induced salivation flooded the banks of its reservoir and spilled down his chin. These gentle cascades dripped into his pocket and an effervescent foam began to develop.

A small noise sounded from near the door. The old gentleman jerked back into consciousness and immediately surveyed his surroundings for the source of the disturbance. With a dangerous consciousness of fear, his hand stole to his heart.

Thick, white foam spilled out of his pocket and slid down his hand and chest like a milky avalanche. David made an attempt to wipe the drool off his chin and left a streak of Alka-Seltzer cream in its place. Disgusted, the elderly man wiped his hands on his shirt.

Cautiously, David crept through the many shades of blue cast into his living room by the dim light outside. He shuffled to the window and glanced out. No one was there; nothing was out of place.

Disconcerted, David ambled back to the La-Z-Boy, softly creaking with each step. The elderly gentleman eased back into the chair and glanced once more, suspiciously, at the window. He felt something was out of place, but saw nothing to be concerned about. With no obvious reason for fear, the David reclined his La-Z-Boy and smiled with the knowledge that he would not slip down into the crack this time—he had put a donut pillow in the way. Sleep overcame him more slowly this time, but eventually it did come.

As awareness slid into oblivion, another noise sounded. Arms flailing, David flew up out of his chair and scrambled to the door, the donut pillow tightly secured to his rear. With all caution thrown aside, David did not give the coffee table in front of him its due respect. He charged up onto the furniture and continued his flight to the front of the house.

Unfortunately, the coffee table had two ends and David quickly passed up the end on the other side. The elderly gentleman seemed to glide to the floor. He caught onto a bureau that drifted past him in his descent. As David embraced the floor, his arm became taut and yanked the decorative dresser down behind him. It rolled over his twisted back and sprayed his wife’s small trinkets everywhere.

The elderly man was unharmed and the bureau was relatively light, so he had little trouble regaining his upright stance. He pulled the donut pillow from his backside and threw it aside. Slouching, he hobbled to the door and quietly turned the knob. Pushing the door slowly, to prevent any squeaking, David revealed his front yard to his eyes.

He took one cautious step out onto the porch and searched his property. Shadows played tricks with his eyes, yet there was still nothing to be seen. He slowly receded back into the comforting darkness and sealed up the portal against the eerie, moonlit, alien landscape. David still felt uncomfortable about something, so instead of going to bed, he energetically scooted back to the La-Z-Boy.

David’s eyes popped open. He did not recall falling asleep this time. There was a macabre silence enveloping the room—no noise had awaken him this time. The evil foreboding he had felt before was now unbearable.

David slowly took to his feet in a crouch—a crouch he had used many times before as a wrestler—and proceeded even more slowly to the window. The old man peered out the paned glass and stared in astonishment.

White trails were strung all over his yard, wrapped around his trees and bushes. David left the protective confines of his house and wandered out to inspect the nocturnal gift. Toilet paper rolls hung from the trees, still attached to their sheets.

Laughing softly, the elderly gentleman wandered back into the house. The small trinkets splashed everywhere in his fall, crunched under his feet.

“It had to have been one of my students,” he mused. “No one else could have executed such a maneuver with such precision and secrecy.” Quickly, for an old man [6], he reasoned out which of his students it might be.

David’s foot hit something soft, so he dropped his gaze to the floor. His foot lay in the wet dirt of one of his wife’s potted flowers spilled on the carpet.

Chuckling, the old man began to plot his revenge. He took his newly-cleaned teeth out of his pocket and put them back in his mouth to clarify his verbalizations.

“I know just what to do,” he wheezed. “I’ll send him…flowers.”[7]


[1] See here, here, here, here, and here.

[2] See my post Unexpected Delivery.

[3] See my post Mr. Yates.

[4] At the time of writing, he was probably in his late thirties or early forties, so all the references to his agédness are in jest.

[5] i.e. the same one he had on his face while he was reading the love note (which he composed) to the class.

[6] This is also a jest since it took him over a month and he got it wrong on his first attempt at retaliation.

[7] I no longer remember what kind of flower it was, but I kept it alive for several years—until I left on my mission. For those who are unsure why Latter-day Saints (Mormons) go on missions, I recommend you visit here and here, where you can learn more about LDS beliefs concerning sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ. If you have more questions, ask and maybe I'll do a full post on the topic.

Image attributions:

Dentures in Alka-Seltzer is by D-institut, available at protezy.jpg.


  1. Ha, ha, ha!!! Thanks for sharing this! I love that you used his real first name. I can imagine he laughed out loud as he read this. I don't know if your remember, but I came with you when you did your dirty deed. I didn't have him for a teacher until the next year, though.

  2. I believe that the time you came was our second time toilet-papering his house. That was also the time that I took a tree branch to the eye and lost a contact lens, so I had to drive home with only one contact lens in.